I've spent a lot of time thinking about "my purpose in life." And yes, I have to put it in scare quotes. Because, I'm a cynic, naturally, and there is no getting around that.
I know that I'm a cynic and a skeptic because when I was in high school, I didn't believe in Great Works of Literature. Someone would say "Shakespeare is really a genius" or "Heart of darkness changed by life" (okay, bad example) and I would smile but secretly think, "they are surely overrated, like everything else." Much to my surprise, after reading one of these books I would invariable thing, "oh, that was actually good." And then I realized that, though a cynic and better than most people (or so I thought), i am not in fact the smartest person who ever lived, and Shakespeare may in fact have been a genius, and not only that, but someone might have realized that before I did.
So, in an effort to apply these facts to my life, I have attempted to follow other peoples' advice on a wide variety of things. I have often failed.
One thing I am trying now but failing at is to forget myself and go to work. However, the (more advanced) cynic in me suggests that this is impossible--that by doing service in such a self-serving manner as trying to fix myself and find my own life's purpose, I am disrupting the quiet selfless nature of true service.
Ironically, while reading one of the great works of literature that my cynicism caused me to spurn in my (younger) youth, my later cynicism has been vindicated. I'm reading Anna Karenina (sent to me by mystery person), and in it, one of the main characters is in a slump. Depressed, unsure of her life's direction, she goes abroad, meets some wonderful people, and takes after their do-gooder ways (sound familiar, eh? peace corps or service year, anyone?). However, she realizes that while one do-gooder is totally earnest, the other one goes about building others up for the hidden purpose of building herself up. The difference? Earnest do-gooder was born and raised like that and has always done it. It is truly nothing to her, it is second nature. The character realizes that unlike her, she will never be a true do-gooder.
And nor, to a certain extent, will I.
In the church (and in many other places besides), there are always a lot of statements like, "if everyone was like X then everything would be perfect," and those of us not like the ideal are supposed to feel bad for bringing everyone else down. But the truth is, some of us are meant to do things and others of us aren't. God made me who I am for a reasons. If he wanted us all to be X, he could have done that really easily. But he didn't.
Some of us are already going to have the ability to be charitable to everyone. And others of us, we might be better to leave well enough alone. Like Kitty in Anna Karenina, we will realize that sometimes, bad things may come of our good intent, because we are not playing to our real strengths.
I was reminded of this again when I was watching Ralph Nader: An Un reasonable Man. (Good doc, but i'm already a Nader lover so I don't know if my opinion counts). The guy didn't set out to say "i'm going to change everything about America." No doubt he is and became aware of that destiny, but he didn't pursue it outright like that. Instead, he was just trying to do the right thing and be the best and follow his heart, and he ended up on the path he was on because of that.
I don't know if it's true anymore for artists, I feel like all of them are influence by Andy Warholian/factory-ness or advertising, but here is a quote from that weekend moral dilemma book that also backs up this notion:
"[Artists] are sensible enough to conceive of art as the by-product of a job of work done. The opposite effort to capture the by-products first (the self-conscious pursuit of beauty, the pursuit of art for art's sake to the exclusion of jobs of work and other pedestrian beginnings), was always a reflection of selfish wealth, selfish leisure and aesthetic decadence." -John Grierson, 1st Principles of Documentary
In other words, it is selfish to work towards these 'by-products'--such as beauty, or in the case of Nader or do-gooders, changing the world for the better--rather than just working period and getting stuff done, and letting these by-products come as they will.
So...I can't "find my purpose." That's vain. And I can't abandon myself in the care of others, because that selflessness is secretly selfish. Or change myself, because then I'm not following my true gifts. Instead, I need to pursue what my real talents are, and my destiny will come to me. Like in a Paolo Cuelho book, I imagine (see, i like Paolo Cuelho, I'm not that cynical).
The problem now is, what are these talents and how do I pursue them?
