What is wrong with my generation? There has never been any generation more connected, that is for certain, but there has also never been any generation more covered by the news media, too. Over the last two years, for some reason, people keep forwarding me articles about how 20somethings have really awful job prospects and are floundering as a whole (maybe because I make less money now than I did in high school? maybe....).
In these, Millennial diagnostic reporting articles about parenting and psychology, the questions are, “what went wrong with these guys? besides the economy sucking, how did this happen and isn’t it tragic and what is going to happen next? what did we do wrong as parents?” And oh boy do they have the answers--it was helicopter parenting and it was too many IQ tests ‘proving’ we were smart and it was never letting kids fail in their entire lives.
The ultimate symbol for this is the Soccer Trophy, which now stands as some kind of metaphor for why we are all messed up. When we all did soccer as 6 or 7-year-olds--being all cute chasing after the ball in a huge mass, wearing shin guards too big and shorts too long so they covered our entire legs in a sporty pantaloon--we looked ridiculous and we ruined the rest of our life. This is because we all got trophies (all of us!) the winners, the losers, everyone. We got rewarded for our efforts, even if they sucked, and we never failed, because failure is bad and our parents didn’t want that for us, only success and only trophies.
As if when I was 7 years old and got that trophy I somehow translated that into “I’m never going to fail at anything! I am going to be awesome and always be successful and if I’m not, then I have done something wrong, I am a loser failure, and I deserve to have a rotten life!” The trophy thing is mentioned in like every article about the Millennial childhood, I am so tired of this cherry picking of my childhood, pulling this one thing out of all the hundreds of things that happened to me and saying, “well there now, that’s your problem.”
I did soccer when I was little and we never bothered with rankings and I got a trophy every year and it was awesome. Did I think I was the best? No. I was well aware that I was the kid who never scored a goal and the kid who had trouble dribbling up the field. Now, hip checking other kids or taking a ball to the face or the gut? There I was a champ. I may have been just a child, and I may have been rewarded with a trophy every year no matter the actual outcomes of our games, but I had a very clear picture of my abilities and failures.
I feel insulted that psychologists and parents and coaches look at this kind of thing, the soccer trophies, and think, “this is how we messed our kids up,” like we were pliable and subject to their designs, and we would have turned out perfect, but they just picked the wrong designs. Doesn’t this just seem like Helicopter Parenting, Part II but on an societal scale and supported by social science research with all these articles about what parents should have done?
These articles aren’t about real kids, they are about perfectionism. Parents and psychologists keep looking around and scratching their heads and saying in surprise, “you mean, we haven’t gotten it right yet? I thought we were going to be perfect this time!” No one has, no parent has, and there is a good chance that no one will. This is an obsession with perfect, which doesn’t exist.
But we keep looking. I mean, I’m doing it already. I don’t have kids, and yet I can feel within me the desire to save them from the mistakes I made--to make their life easier. I fantasize about fully rectifying all the mistakes my parents made so my child will be flawless, well-adjusted and successful. But my kids will have flaws! Big ones, probably, life all of us. No matter what I do, my children will have hard times and hardships and no guarantee of success in life.
Robert McNamara said that you can’t change human nature. While he was referring to war and peace, this is true of everything. There is the human experience, and it has always been messy and confusing and it always will be. Most of these articles focus on how we should have taught our kids to work hard, not that they were smart, and all our problems would have been fixed. I agree that we as a generation maybe could have used a little more hard work ethic. But it wouldn’t have been a fix-all solution. An interesting study was conducted in China, focusing on students who were told from a young age that the most important thing is hard work. And still! And still despite all the positive reinforcement a survey revealed that students were convinced that the ability to work hard is an inherent personality trait that you either have or don’t. Many felt doomed and faced the same fears that we as westerners, taught that you are either smart or you are not, also experience.
You can’t change the human experience. Things will be hard for you, things will be hard for your kids. You will make it hard through your choices and shortcomings and failures, and in part, hardness will just be thrust upon you. You will not find the magic bullet, because there isn’t one. There wasn’t a war to end all wars. There isn’t a psychological sound method of raising children that will produce perfectly well adjusted adults. No matter what I do, my kids are going to struggle with something, that’s how it works—trophy or no trophy.